Sandstone County * Episode Forty-Three

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Yesterday, an anonymous phone call was received at the Sandstone Dispatch. Here is the transcript.

Caller: "Is this the sheriff's department?"
Dispatch: "Yes sir. This is Sandstone County Dispatch. How can I help you?"
Caller: "I'm calling to report on my neighbor Dirk Baggs. I have reason to believe he is hiding a large amount of cocaine in his firewood."
Dispatch: "In his firewood, sir? Are you sure about this?"
Caller: "I'm very sure. I've seen it with my own eyes. I hate to narc but, this is just wrong!"
Dispatch: "What are you saying, sir? What do you mean by, in his firewood?"
Caller: "He hollows it out, man. It's clever. He puts little plugs in each piece and you can't even tell. I mean, it's ingenious. He told me he plans on selling firewood all through the heating season, man. Get it? I'm tellin' ya it's ingenious. I don't approve or nothing but, it is kinda smart, man. You see what I'm saying? He, also, told me he made a killing selling firewood last year. I'm sure you know what he's talking about. I wish I would have though about it. Hey man, I don't mean it that way. You know what I mean.
Dispatch: "Well, thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll have it checked out."
Caller: "Hey, no problem, man. I just want to do the right thing."
Dispatch: "Trust me sir, you have done the right thing. You're an excellent citizen and we appreciate people like you. Thank you again and goodbye."
Caller: "OK, man, goodbye."

Early this morning, after a search warrant was obtained, Sandstone County Deputies descended upon the Bagg's household. Led by Deputy Hidrent they search the area where the firewood is kept. Deputy Hidrent was quoted as saying, "your butt is finally mine, dirtbag. There's no getting out of this one." Using axes, the group of deputies start to bust open the firewood, when they are halted by Deputy Hidrent. "Stand aside fellas, this bust is all mine." He then proceeded to split every piece of wood wide open, while the others looked on. With each cord of wood his swings became more frantic, until finally the last log was layed bare. Cursing and wiping the sweat from his brow Deputy Hidrent finally screamed, "there's no damn drugs here!"
After further cursing and threatening, they slowly, all left the scene.
Much later, according to Mr. Anonymous, he called Dirk at home and here is how he related that call.

The phone rings at Dirk's house. "Hey, Dirk! Did the sheriffs visit you today?"
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep the fools sure did"
"Happy birthday, Buddy"