Sandstone County * Episode Sixty-Two

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All
Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Pine City has recently instituted a massive program to clean up the city. The popular program is catching on and Sandstone County is currently undertaking similar steps to spruce up their jurisdictions. Proper disposal sites will be liberally dispersed throughout the county. All residents are encouraged to participate by placing all refuse into their respective containers and are reminded, "please, do not mix up waste products and recyclables." If we all work together we can have a clean city/county once again.

^

Sandstone County * Episode Sixty-One

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Little Bobby's kindergarten class was on a field trip to Sandstone Police Station. One of the things they saw were pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label on the board clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the other youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was a photo of a wanted person.

"Of course kid," said Deputy Hidrent, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Bobby asked, while reaching down and tugging on Hidrent's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you just keep them when you took their pictures?"

Sandstone County * Episode Sixty

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Another slow Saturday in Sandstone County.

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-Nine

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026


Off duty Sandstone County Deputy Hidrent blows a training wheel. When a fan enroute to a Village People's concert stops to offer assistance, Deputy Hidrent cites the man for impersonating an officer.

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-Eight

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Officer Hidrent is once again setting his priorities. It seems things have been slow in Sandstone County lately, and he started perusing some important cold case files, after an evening of watching a TV show of the same name. The popular TV show has given him the bug.

After, scouring through hundreds of files he selected the 'Case of the Ironman Poodle'. Of all that he studied, this is the file he deemed most important.

About 50 years ago (we have been unable to obtain the exact date) a visiting citizen had left her poodle tied to a parking meter on Main Street. During her shopping spree the pooch managed to damage some city property, namely the parking meter. A local resident managed to snap a picture of the event, as it happened. She sent the photo to the local newspaper which published it the following week. When the mayor saw the photo he went wild and demanded the legal authorities contact the responsible party. Of course, the visitor was long gone, by the time all this expired and the culprit was never caught.

Today, Officer Hidrent is on the job. His superiors say he is very, dedicated to this case and assure us that dilegence is the word for a case this important. Officer Hidrent himself was not available for comment.

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-Seven

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

This is a call for all residents to help celebrate the birthday of Officer Hidrent's daughter Heidi. She is 4 years old today. Already she is learning to pop pills and play with her father's guns. Stop by their house at midnight, if you have a mind to, and enjoy the party. Gift opening will be at 12:15 and cake will be served at 12:30am to be followed by the games of 'Drop the Pills Back in the Bottle' and 'Pin the Tail on My Daddy'. Please bring your own drinks.

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-Six

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Yesterday, the temperature was very frigid and a strong northern wind wasn't making it any better. In the midst of this terrible weather Officer Hidrent and his partner were outside directing traffic. They were both unbearably cold. All the while, their Sargent was sitting comfortably in his warm squad car, drinking a hot coffee and watching these two men at work in the ghastly weather. Officer Hidrent suddenly asked his partner, "why are we out in this weather directing traffic when our boss is up there in the comfort of his vehicle?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he crossed the street and went to his boss. "Sarge, why are we out in this terrible weather and you're sitting comfortably in your squad?"

"Intelligence," the boss replied."

"What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

"I'll show you," the Sargent said, as he climbed from his vehicle. "I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The officer took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand. The Sargent quickly removed his hand and the officer hit the tree hard. The boss then said, "Now, that's intelligence, so get back to work!"

The wounded officer went back to his station, rubbing his sore hand. Hidrent asked him, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" asked the puzzled Hidrent?

The officer, hand still throbbing, put his hand on his face and said, "take your flashlight and hit my hand as hard as you can . . ."

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-Five

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see the light was on from the bedroom window. As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.

The man phoned 911, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.

He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned them again. "Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

Officer Hidrent said: "I thought you said that you shot them!"

The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-Four

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026


While investigating an accident yesterday, Officer Hidrent snapped this photo. The driver must have not noticed the 'deer crossing' sign! Thankfully, only the deer was injured.

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-Three

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

One afternoon, deputy Hidrent was heading home at the end of his shift, when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He pulled over and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the deputy.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied Hidrent. He then turned to the other man and said, "You can come with us, too"

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well, they to are welcome!" answered the deputy.

The adults climbed into the car and the children followed behind on foot, as they could not all fit in the vehicle. Deputy Hidrent kindly drove real slow, so as not to lose any of the children. After a couple of miles, one of the poor fellows says, "Officer, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Deputy Hidrent replied, "No problem sir, the grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-Two

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty-One

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Deputy Hidrent recently worked the scene of a terrible accident - body parts were everywhere. He was making his notes of where the different body pieces were and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head and finally wtrites "Head on curb."

Sandstone County * Episode Fifty

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Early this morning a man was speeding through Sandstone County. He crossed the bridge at the west side of Pine when Officer Hidrent, parked at the far end, noticed him. Deputy Hidrent promptly pulls him over and walks up to the vehicle. As he approaches the man rolls down his window. "Do you know why I pulled you over," asks Deputy Hidrent?

"Yes sir," replied the driver, "I was speeding, but I'm a doctor and have to get to the hospital."

Hidrent had heard this a hundred times, and asked, "What exactly do you do, Doctor?"

The man replies, "Why, I'm a rectum stretcher, sir."

The deputy hadn't heard of this before and replies "What is that, exactly?"

The man explains, "What I do is work the fingers of one hand into the rectum one by one - then the next hand until I have stretched the rectum to about four and a half feet."

Hidrent then asks, "What the hell do you do with a four and a half-foot asshole?"

The man replies, "Stick him at the end of a bridge with a radar gun, of course."

Sandstone County * Episode Fourty-Nine

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Yesterday, while on routine patrol, Officer Hidrent pulled over a man for running a stop sign and the subject gave him a lot of grief and insisted that he did stop.

After several minutes, Officer Hidrent explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.

The gentleman said "Stop or slow down, what's the hell's difference?"

Officer Hidrent immediately pulled the guy out of his car and worked him over for a couple of minutes and then asked, "Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?"

Sandstone County * Episode Fourty-Eight

It appears Deputy Hidrent is in trouble again. He has been diligently working the shopping cart thefts since last weekend. Everything was going smoothly until he halled in the suspect shown here. Now the hard-working deputy is being accused of profiling!


Upon apprehension the suspect screamed, "What, you don't think the homeless deserve to roll in style, man? You just stopped me because I'm black!"


We'd opt for some 20-inch dubs ourselves, but this bad boy has GPS, a mini-fridge, AM/FM cassette stereo, LCD screen with TV tuner, can crusher, alarm with strobe lights, a tent, solar powered battery charger, and a slide out seat.

We have yet to see if this arrest will be upheld. The Sandstone County Sheriff would not give us access to Deputy Hidrent stating he did not want, " . . . the little pee-on saying something stupid and jeopardising the case."

Sandstone County * Episode Fourty-Seven

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Three blondes were attempting to change a light bulb. After having severe problems one of them decides to call Sandstone County Dispatch.

Blonde: We need help.
Dispatch: What is the problem, ma'am?
Blonde: We were trying to change a light bulb . . .
Dispatch: This number is for emergencies only, ma'am.
Blonde : But this is an emergency!
Dispatch: Ok, Ok. Let's see. Did you put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Dispatch: Hmmmm. Is the power in the house on?
Blonde: Of course.
Dispatch: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Dispatch: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Dispatch: Again, this number is only for emergencies! What is the nature of your problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Dispatch: Goodbye.

Sandstone County * Episode Fourty-Six

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

There has been a major crime wave, of late, in Sandstone County. The local grocer has been fuming over the disappearance of a large quantity of his shopping carts. Not willing to let a crime spree of this magnitude tarnish the great name of his jurisdiction, Deputy Hidrent is working overtime to put an end to these thefts. It has not been in vain, as the courageous officer has already located one of the carts.

It appears to have been vandalised but, Deputy Hidrent swears he will bring down the dirtbag criminals who are responsible and punish them to the full extent of the law. He will be survelling the Sandstone Grocery Emporium during the next four nights between the hours of 7:00 pm and 6:00 am. If anyone has any information on this crime they may report it to Deputy Hidrent during these hours. He will be in the cedar bushes on the north end of the lot.

Sandstone County * Episode Fourty-Five

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

In the far northern section of Sandstone County a woman and a man were involved in a car accident. Both of their cars were totally demolished but amazingly neither of them were hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

The man slowly crawled out of his vehicle and immediately went to check on the occupant of the other car. He arrived at her door to find her engaged in a phone conversation. After several attempts he finally muscled the jambed car door open. "Are you alright", he asks the woman.

"I am fine", she replies as she packs her phone away in a purse, "and you?"

"I'm OK," he says, as he helps her from the badly damaged vehicle. Only now does he notice how stunningly beautiful she is!

They then stand awkwardly on the shoulder for a time until finally she breaks the silence. "So you're a man," she states, "that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends. Very, close friends."

Flattered, the man nervously replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God. Who am I to argue with God"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a long drink. He then extends the bottle out to the woman. She gestures no and tells him he should have a little more to settle his nerves. Thinking he must be the luckiest man alive he obliges with another long swig. Once more he is enticed into tipping the bottle before she finally accepts it from him. She immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "aren't you having any?"

Looking over his shoulder she replies with a smile, "No. Thank You. I think I'll just wait for the police....

Sandstone County * Episode Fourty-Four

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Deputy Hidrent pulled a guy over for speeding yesterday and they had the following exchange:

Officer Hidrent: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer Hidrent: OK, dirtbag may I see the owner's registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer Hidrent: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer Hidrent: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer Hidrent: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Upon hearing this, Deputy Hidrent immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.


Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

Sandstone County * Episode Forty-Three

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Yesterday, an anonymous phone call was received at the Sandstone Dispatch. Here is the transcript.

Caller: "Is this the sheriff's department?"
Dispatch: "Yes sir. This is Sandstone County Dispatch. How can I help you?"
Caller: "I'm calling to report on my neighbor Dirk Baggs. I have reason to believe he is hiding a large amount of cocaine in his firewood."
Dispatch: "In his firewood, sir? Are you sure about this?"
Caller: "I'm very sure. I've seen it with my own eyes. I hate to narc but, this is just wrong!"
Dispatch: "What are you saying, sir? What do you mean by, in his firewood?"
Caller: "He hollows it out, man. It's clever. He puts little plugs in each piece and you can't even tell. I mean, it's ingenious. He told me he plans on selling firewood all through the heating season, man. Get it? I'm tellin' ya it's ingenious. I don't approve or nothing but, it is kinda smart, man. You see what I'm saying? He, also, told me he made a killing selling firewood last year. I'm sure you know what he's talking about. I wish I would have though about it. Hey man, I don't mean it that way. You know what I mean.
Dispatch: "Well, thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll have it checked out."
Caller: "Hey, no problem, man. I just want to do the right thing."
Dispatch: "Trust me sir, you have done the right thing. You're an excellent citizen and we appreciate people like you. Thank you again and goodbye."
Caller: "OK, man, goodbye."

Early this morning, after a search warrant was obtained, Sandstone County Deputies descended upon the Bagg's household. Led by Deputy Hidrent they search the area where the firewood is kept. Deputy Hidrent was quoted as saying, "your butt is finally mine, dirtbag. There's no getting out of this one." Using axes, the group of deputies start to bust open the firewood, when they are halted by Deputy Hidrent. "Stand aside fellas, this bust is all mine." He then proceeded to split every piece of wood wide open, while the others looked on. With each cord of wood his swings became more frantic, until finally the last log was layed bare. Cursing and wiping the sweat from his brow Deputy Hidrent finally screamed, "there's no damn drugs here!"
After further cursing and threatening, they slowly, all left the scene.
Much later, according to Mr. Anonymous, he called Dirk at home and here is how he related that call.

The phone rings at Dirk's house. "Hey, Dirk! Did the sheriffs visit you today?"
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep the fools sure did"
"Happy birthday, Buddy"