Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sandstone County - Episode Ten

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026
There was a man who worked for the Sandstone Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 84 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Memorial Day, and I had invited two of my friends (who, also, lost their husbands in the war) over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Gurtrude and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Memorial Day came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the postal workers gathered around while the letter was opened, and read.
Dear God,
I can never thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at thePost Office.
Thanks and praise to Your Name,

Sandstone County - Episode Nine

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Not all the residents of Sandstone County were satisfied with the 'One-Drink Limit' imposed by the sheriffs department during the Memorial Day weekend.

Nor were they happy with the strong-arm enforcement tactics being used by local law enforcement. When questioned about the abusive nature employed by the authorities upon their own citizenry Officer Hidrent stated, "We're just doing our job, dirtbag".

Monday, May 29, 2006

Sandstone County - Episode Eight

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

At the Sandstone Senior Center Memorial Day Dance a very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into the "cocktail lounge" section at the senior center.

Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly looking lady (mid-eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Surf-In Lunch

Found this 'somewhere' on the web and thought it was pretty good.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Sandstone County - Episode Seven

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

Today officially started the Sandstone county's Memorial Day Celebration. It appears a good time was had by all, despite the sheriff departments decision to impose a 'One Drink Limit'.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Value of Unions?

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Tech Support Overload

For some time now I have been called upon by friends and relatives for computer advice. While not a trained expert in the ways of computers, I am knowledgeable enough in my circle of acquaintances to usually be of some help. Often, I am overly praised for whatever hardware or software jamb I may have rescued a desperate individual from. While usually willing to cheerfully help out those who call upon me, day and night, to solve their technical woes, the word has gotten out. The endless list of callers and the increasing demands upon my valuable time has gotten somewhat out of hand. During these many years of knowledge probing by those who require my services I have responded to questions as simple as 'what is a floppy disk' to the more complex such as 'can you build me a total computer from scratch' and everything in between.
After all this time, I have noticed several of these requests for computer info are recurring quite frequently. I then thought this blog might be the perfect format for publishing the questions I field the most often, thus saving me the time and boredom associated with this unnecessary redundancy. Hence, this post was born in order to retain what is left of my sanity, my marriage and my ever shrinking scheduled recreational and slumber time activities. Following I have published one of the letters I have received, which entails the most frequent question I am asked along with my response (the names here have been generically altered). Please, please read this post before calling or writing me. It is very likely the answer you need can be found right here.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 and I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Troubled User

And I wisely reply as follows -

REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is, also, impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2., among others. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
If you truly have a problem that is not covered here please email me and I will do my best to help. If, however, your troubles are already covered here - DO NOT SEEK ME for assistance, as I can help no further.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Sandstone County - Episode Six

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026


Yet another low-life, deadbeat Sandstone criminal, showing absolutely NO respect for the law!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Sandstone County - Episode Five

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

In the county of Sandstone, where all of the civil servants and officers are extremely courteous a patrol car had been following a certain vehicle for about 30 minutes. When the car finally decided to pull over the polite officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window.

"Good afternoon sir", said the smiling officer.

"Good afternoon, any problems?

"No sir. My partner and I have been following and observing you for a half an hour now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, and you were courteous towards your fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new 'solid driving awareness program', which I originated by the way, I would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."

The driver puts down his handgun, lets out a big sigh of relief and replies, "oh good! Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license. (Ooops!)"

Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat with a sawed-off shotgun in her lap goes, "don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has been drinking."

Grandma who's a little hard of hearing, puts down her crack pipe and adds from the backseat, "aye aye aye, didn't I tell you we shouldn't have gone in a stolen car?"

About this time, the trunk pops open and a head peeks out yelling "are we over the border yet?"

The officer was, at first, extremely upset. Then, when he realized they were actually transporting an illegal he decided all was forgiven. Thinking the check would help them in their cause he handed it to them, shook their hands, wished them his best. Upon returning to his patrol car he started getting a queasy feeling in his gut. After realizing that this was not from the half-dozen, or so, donuts he had this morning he returned to the car that had pulled over.

"One more thing he stated, while reaching for his vastly over-sized wallet, "I've had a stirring feeling in my gut and I can't let you go until I contribute some of my personal money. He handed them a fantastic sum of money saying, "here's some greenbacks for the wetback."

"We can't possibly take your personal money", said the driver.

"Sure you can," said the officer and "here's a little more. I've got my priorities right you know and I'ld only lose it all in a poker game anyway."

Both parties then drove their separate ways.

Once again, all is good in Sandstone County.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Sunday Drive

I spied my neighbor taking his wife and mother-in-law out today for another Sunday drive. I hate to be critical but, he's making it hard for the rest of us. Soon, our families will be expecting the same treatment. Come on buddy, I've got better things to do on my Sundays.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Three Wishes

A post-doc, a grad student, and their professor are taking a walk outdoors during lunch when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof! Out pops a genie! "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison," he says, "I can grant you three wishes- one for each of you."

The post-doc thinks a moment, and then she says, "I'd like to be out sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with a crew of totally buffed-out, gorgeous guys." "It is done," says the Genie, and Poof! the post-doc disappears.

The grad student thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done," says the Genie, and Poof! the grad student disappears.

The professor looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then, he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in lab after lunch."

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes To Women

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
* Airplanes expect to be tied down.
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

You Might Live In Minnesota -

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through l8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year, because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is always closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

If you believe the mosquito is your state bird, you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina, Shakopee ,Winton and Ely, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.

And you might live in Minnesota if -

Vacation means going up north past Virginia for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
The men are men and so are the women.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at convinence store at any given time.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
You consider Minneapolis exotic.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your Blue spruce.
Down South to you means Iowa.
A brat is something you eat.
You go out to fish fry every Friday.
You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
You actually understand these jokes.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

You Might Be Stupid If...

...you can't remember how to spell "IQ."
...you can't remember the number for 911.
...you just discovered your AM radio also works in the afternoon.
...you use correction fluid on your PC monitor.
...you fail Physical Education.
...you can not spell it.
...you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage!
...you put braille on a drive up teller machine.
...you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
...you think a pigpen is something to write with!!!
...you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles.
...you use your CD-ROM unit as a drink holder.
...you frequently misspell your own name.
...you've ever been stuck in a toilet seat.
...you walk your kid to school because you're in the same grade.
...it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes.
...you often wonder who Ronald McDonald's parents are.
...you sell your car for gas money.
...you think Hamburger Helper comes with a man.
...you try thinking and nothing happens.
...you think a quarterback is a refund!!!
...you think hot dogs are real meat.
...people nick-name you Homer.
...you cook Minute Rice for an hour!
...upon approaching a traffic sign that says STOP AHEAD, you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head.
...you lose $25 on a horse race and then lose $25 on the instant replay!
...you were the one testing out the shark bite suit.
...you get tangled up in a cordless phone.
...you need to be reminded to breath.
...someone tells you to call 911, and you can't find the 11!
...you take a donut back cause it has a hole in it!
...you stare at an orange juice can because it says concentrate.
...you have to look "stupid" up in the dictionary.
...you sit on the T.V. and watch the couch.
...you tell your wife not to laugh as you point a gun to your head, because she is next!

You Might Be Stupid If...

...you think Yogi Bear played for the Yankees.
...you bronze a gold medal as a keep sake.
...you get lost in your closet.
... you take an I.Q. test and forget to write your name.
...you go around a revolving door looking for the door knob.
...you list the police department as a reference on your resume.
...you get fired from volunteer work.
...a hamburger is a cheeseburger, hold the cheese, to you.
...you run around looking for a quarter to call 911.
...you can't find the "ANY" key on the keyboard.
...you feel for one millisecond that you may have won the sweepstakes this time despite the fact that it is stamped in clear view "bulk rate."
...you try to look up a word in the dictionary without knowing how to spell it correctly, and you can't find it. Feeling like a ''genius'', that you realize that WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY made an error.
...you have to look on both ends to open a bottle.
...someone offers you a bagel and you reply, "No thanks, I already have a dog!"
...you turn the light on to see if it's dark.
...you take your chia pet for a walk.
...you wear your glasses while looking for them

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sandstone County - Episode Four

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026
Outta my way, outta my way!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Numbers USA

The topic of immigration and illegal aliens has been a hot one across the nation, as it should be. It should have been the hot topic a long time ago. Today the United States is in a real crisis over this, and nothing less. Concerned citizens need to wake up. Wake up now! If you are as concerned with the immigration debacle as I am then you need to visit this site. Numbers USA. They bill themselves the "immigration-reduction organization." Very noble. This site lays out the problem, boldly proclaims who is responsible, and then shows all concerned U.S. citizens what they can do to fight this disaster. They even have a mechanism on their site for sending a free fax to the president and members of congress so you can have a say in how our great country can remain that way. Check it out now! And don't complain if you don't participate.