Saturday, June 03, 2006

Sandstone County - Episode Twelve

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by 2026

The Sandstone County Sheriffs Department has officially released some details of their new investment plan. This plan was pre-viewed last week by the department employees and their reception to the plan was mild, at best. In order to relieve some of the apprehension shown by said employees we have been asked to publish the plan here and outline some of the advantages of this new investment strategy. If read carefully, everyone should now see the wisdom of scrapping the old investment stratagem and replacing it with this more modern (and probably more lucrative) approach to investing your monies.

New Investment Plan: If you bought $1000 of Nortel stock a year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left. Now, if you bought $1,000 worth of Coors Light (the beer, not the stock) over the past year, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214. Based on these figures, the counties current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. Also, for the first week of the program the county will be matching all employee aluminum contributions one-for-one so get some heavy drinking in now, if you can. This is Sandstone Counties official new retirement program. Invest wisely.

If any county employees have further questions on the new 401Keg, they may call the HR Department during the normal business hours on Wednesday between 11:30 am and 12:30 pm (excluding the lunch hour). If we do not hear from you by this coming Monday we will assume active participation and immediately terminate your old retirement account.

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