Thursday, May 25, 2006

Tech Support Overload

For some time now I have been called upon by friends and relatives for computer advice. While not a trained expert in the ways of computers, I am knowledgeable enough in my circle of acquaintances to usually be of some help. Often, I am overly praised for whatever hardware or software jamb I may have rescued a desperate individual from. While usually willing to cheerfully help out those who call upon me, day and night, to solve their technical woes, the word has gotten out. The endless list of callers and the increasing demands upon my valuable time has gotten somewhat out of hand. During these many years of knowledge probing by those who require my services I have responded to questions as simple as 'what is a floppy disk' to the more complex such as 'can you build me a total computer from scratch' and everything in between.
After all this time, I have noticed several of these requests for computer info are recurring quite frequently. I then thought this blog might be the perfect format for publishing the questions I field the most often, thus saving me the time and boredom associated with this unnecessary redundancy. Hence, this post was born in order to retain what is left of my sanity, my marriage and my ever shrinking scheduled recreational and slumber time activities. Following I have published one of the letters I have received, which entails the most frequent question I am asked along with my response (the names here have been generically altered). Please, please read this post before calling or writing me. It is very likely the answer you need can be found right here.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 and I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Troubled User

And I wisely reply as follows -

REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is, also, impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2., among others. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
If you truly have a problem that is not covered here please email me and I will do my best to help. If, however, your troubles are already covered here - DO NOT SEEK ME for assistance, as I can help no further.


Anderson Nation said...

I will take this into advice. However, will this also pertain to wife 2.0? See, I did a reformat years ago, and did away with wife 1.0, and reinstalled girlfriend 2.0. Very shortly after, be it through a virus, or whatever, girlfriend 2.0 morphed into wife 2.0, and now I'm stuck with the periperal programs Child 1.0, and child 1.2. My resources are draining faster than I can replenish. I have taken drastic measures, and snipped my RAM, thus preventing further problems, but the initial load is still here. Have you any advice to offer?

The Gamin said...

Again -

If you truly have a problem that is not covered here please email me and I will do my best to help. If, however, your troubles are already covered here - DO NOT SEEK ME for assistance, as I can help no further.