Sandstone County - Episode Fourteen

Sandstone County Sheriffs Department - To Serve, To Protect, To Get Rid of All Dirtbag Criminals by

2026

Due to repeated public complaints and outcries from the local county residents, a new fitness training program will be instituted by next month, for the Sandstone County Sheriff's Department. It seems the citizens of the county have demanded an immediate solution to a long term problem.

Shown here working out in this photo, (photo taken earlier today) is Deputy Kent C. Underbelly. Deputy Underbelly was previously selected as an initial fitness program tester, when the secret trial program was instituted earlier this year. It's very obvious he has come a long, long way.

Resident Ima B. Itch is impressed. "Look at that", she said, "you can see plainly Officer Underbelly has already lost several, several pounds. He's got to be feeling better about himself."

"I do", said Kent, "I've lost 68 pounds already. It's tough but it's all worthwhile. I can look at myself in the mirror now and take pride in the fact that I'm the most fit member of the squad and my wife is elated, too. She loves that I'm now so fit and slender."

The usually inebriated and blowhard mayor of Sandstone, Richard N. Haand seems happy with the progress, also. "This will be good for the county and it will be good for the city of Sandstone," he said, "and I'm glad I could have some small part in the success of this, er, thing here. These are important times for the area. Tourism is an important part in today's, er, economy and this program should help our current tourism initiative. As we all know, our deputies have a terrible reputation for scaring off potential tourists. I feel that with this new fitness routine, with an, er, increased awareness of personal hygiene (new program probably forthcoming), with our previously mandated 401keg program and with a greater emphasis on proper attitudes to our guests and citizenry that ah, er, we should be well on our way to ah, er, establishing, ah, the new reputation we want to, ah . . , be known for. I want it known that I am very proud of some of our officers here and Deputy Underbelly is to be especially acknowledged for his efforts." He added, "We are so proud of his success that I am awarding him, not one but, two of my wife's famous apple pies. These are the very pies that have taken the blue ribbon for twenty-seven years running at the state fair. Eat them in good health Deputy Underbelly. And I know I speak for the sheriff ( the disgruntled sheriff previously locked himself in the Sandstone Bakery and was not available for comment) and all our city and county officials when I say we are pleased with the all the hard work and ah . . . dedication put forth by the many, ah, er, persons involved in this ah . . , thing here."

Not everyone is so upbeat, however. "I hate to say it," exclaimed Adam Ewe, "but we've all seen and heard this crap before. Things may seem fine today but, it won't last. Everyone knows the deputies in this county have rotten attitudes and no self-discipline." This angry sentiment seemed to be held by most of the counties irate citizens. Most claim it does not shed their county in good light when virtually all of the sheriff deputies are so overweight and unfit. One long time resident and leader of this sudden protest, Dirk Baggs stated, "something had to be done. It's just not fun anymore. Have you ever been chased by one of these officers? After a block or two you might as well sit down, finish your beer, and give them time to catch up."

The deputies themselves seem to have done a complete turnabout. Once initially furious at the new fitness campaign, they seem to have now embraced it. The common assumption of this newfound joyous, bliss seems to derive from the special announcement of their new program director. County officials, it seems, have made tremendous efforts to successfully negotiate a long-term contract with the infamous, exercise guru Richard Simmons. Simmons it is said, was ready for the next level and is looking forward "to working with these obnoxious, foul-smelling, obese deputies and stretching my abilities to the extreme in what may very well be my greatest challenge, EVER,"

Now that Simmons is onboard, it seems so are the personnel. It has, for example, been substantiated that Deputy Mark A. Hidrent immediately went to a big city mall and purchased a sequined, purple and yellow form-fitting bodysuit in anticipation of his personal workout with the fitness queen. Maybe this program will work out after all.